Copyright 2006 The National Learning Institute

Do you need to have:

• Your manager give you more credit for the work that you
do?

• Your partner acknowledge that your ideas are really worth
listening to?

• Your children accept more responsibility?

• Your friends take you seriously when you really mean it?

• Your customers buy more from you?

• Your suppliers meet your quality standards?

• Your team become more energetic?

Hey, couldn’t the list go on!  I’m sure many of us would
like to see some or all of the above occur (and probably a
few more as well).  The key to being more successful in our
interpersonal endeavours, is to become more influential.
Influence is no longer considered a magic quality that is
bestowed on some and not others.  Nor is it something we
gain through holding a position of power.  Surprisingly, we
can all improve our ability to influence others by merely
sharpening the influencing skills we already have in our
armoury and perhaps using them more appropriately according
to the situation.

The first step in applying our influencing skills more
productively, is to recognise the type of situation we are
facing.  Is the person (or people) you are trying to
influence at all emotional about the topic?  For example,
are they worried or excited, sad or happy?  What are your
feelings about the topic?  Do you have some basic needs
that you must satisfy?  If either you or your influence
target are at all emotional about the topic, then you are
dealing with a “feeling” type situation.

On the other hand, if both parties see the topic or
discussion as factual – i.e. logic and reason prevail over
emotion, then you are in a “fact” situation.

So, step one is to decide “Is this situation feeling or
fact?” As you might now expect, Feeling and Fact situations
require quite different influencing skills.

Let’s say that you are a parent.  You want to get your
seven year old child to tidy their room.  All the reason
and logic in the world will not get the child to tidy their
room if they don’t want to (no doubt many of you can relate
to this!).  Despite what some of the parental guidleine
books might suggest, experience shows that you need to take
an assertive (feeling) type approach rather than a
reasoning (fact) approach in such a situation.

However the assertive approach taken with your child will
probably not work when you want your boss to approve a new
item of budget expenditure (in fact it may even work in
reverse and get your budget cut!)

Let’s look at how to manage the Feeling situations first.
For example, when a person comes to us with a personal
problem, we need to apply our reflective listening skills.
Whereas, when we have a very strong desire to get our needs
met (for instance in a tough negotiating situation), we
need to apply assertive skills.

Whilst these situations are quite different in their
context, both are feeling type situations – the first is
dealing with their feelings, the second is dealing with our
feelings.  Because of this, each feeling influence
situation is successfully handled by using different
influencing skills.

For feeling situations, the most powerful influencing
skills are:

• Reflecting . . .   The ability to really listen to the
underlying message being expressed by the other person (not
what they may be  saying, but what they are really feeling)

• Asserting . . .   Stating our own needs and expectations
strongly

Fact situations on the other hand, require the skills of
questioning and suggesting.  Whenever we ask open,
non-threatening questions we are using the influencing
skill of gathering data.  e.g. “I’d like to hear more about
your proposal.  What are the main reasons why you have
suggested this?”

Whenever we put forward a proposal, recommendation or
merely a suggestion, we are using the influencing skill of
suggesting.  And our suggestions can become even more
powerful when they are supported with strong reasoning.
e.g.  “There is only one system on the market that meets
these requirements and that is why I recommend the P680″.

For fact situations, the most powerful influencing skills
are:

• Questioning . . .   Asking fact-finding, non-judgmental
questions.

• Suggesting . . .   Making proposals and suggestions
supported by two or three strong reasons.

Employing our natural influencing skills more productively
on a daily basis means:

1. Deciding whether the situation calls for feeling or fact
type influencing skills

2. Using the most appropriate feeling or fact influencing
skills for the situation.

So, next time you want to influence that important person
in your life, rather than barging in, step back a little
and think.  Is this fact or feeling?  What skills will be
most appropriate?

—————————————————-
Bob Selden is the Managing Director of the National
Learning Institute and the author of the Negotiating
Advantage™, a blended learning process on negotiating.  You
can get more information on Bob and the Negotiating
Advantageâ„¢ at
http://www.nationallearning.com.au/index_files/NegotiatingAd
vantageProfile.htm

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 24th, 2006 at 11:16 am and is filed under Business, Career Ladder, Management, Time Management. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.